This Pandemonium fundraiser has tested me at a number of levels.

1. At first the test or challenge was at the sihing/black belt candidate level: being a leader, making a difference, contributing to a successful campaign. I put my writing gloves on, and got to work. My contribution would be to raise awareness of the foundation, its projects, and their relevance to us. Thus, the kwoon-talk and blog posts about Malawi girls, The Simon Poultney Foundation, SCARS, and The Children's Disability Fund. I felt I put some quality work into those posts, but lack of reaction from fellow students caused me some inner turmoil. Was the message not reaching out to or inspiring my fellow students? Were fellow kwoon talkers put off by the whole Pandemonium thread, and thus only inspired to hit 'delete'? And what about the ones who don't read blogs and posts? I decided that my next step would be to do some awareness campaigning directly to the students at the end of their class. But before I got the opportunity to do that, a conversation with a highly respected fellow sihing stopped me in my tracks: I needed to rethink what I was doing - on two new levels.

2. I had asked my fellow sihing what she thought of the apparent lack of effectiveness of my awareness posts. She asked me, "What is it that you are asking of your fellow students by posting these awareness-raising blogs?" I had to answer, partially I was asking them to go out and raise money. Lets face it, even at the level we are being asked to raise money, we all hate doing it. We have to grovel, beg, and accost our friends. No matter how much we believe in our cause, no matter how much we personally will profit from the task, its something that grates at our sense of right and wrong. For me, I'd much rather do, than fundraise. Rescuing dogs, cuddling HIV/AIDS infected babies, mentoring youth in trouble, picking up garbage - I can do. Fundraising from my friends and family simply made me feel guilty of doing something to them that I don't appreciate them doing to me. Especially when budgets are limited. Much as I hated the idea of approaching community businesses and other strangers, I felt that this made more sense. Raising awareness amongst fellow students would have to wait until I could sincerely demonstrate a way to put my money where my mouth is.

3. And this challenged me on another level. I'm good at writing, so sending out the introductory letters was not a problem. Following up was a distasteful, stress inducing journey. There are people out there that are naturals at this kind of thing. Then there's people like me who have to learn this skill. And here's the key: why would I benefit from learning the skill of fundraising at the business, corporate, community, government grant level? The answer, "To impress my fellow students and more importantly, the Grande Frommage by raising gobs of money" would be purely hypocritical and I wish to resist that by making my challenge at this level not about the dollar figure end result. The sincere answer brings me back, full circle to my initial goal of raising awaremess of our foundation, our projects, and its relevance to us. I am truly proud of the projects and the Benevolent Foundation, and any contribution I make towards them. I totally believe in the various missions of each project we support, including the adopt a driveway program, empathy projects etc. As I approach the age of 50, and envision what I want my life to be like post kids I have begun to develop a desire to make a difference. One of my desires is that the last 5, 10, or 15 years of my working life could be dedicated to jobs that do make a diffence. Working for a non-profit, or charitable organization is something that alot of people my age are considering, and as a result some universities offer post graduate studies related to this career direction. Grant -seeking, Approaching Corporations for Sponsorship, Public Speaking, Proposal Writing, Prospect Research, Administration of Non-Profit Organizations, Volunteerism, Asking for Money Face to Face. All of these topics are addressed in educating people who would consider careers in non -profit and charitable organizations. So, yes, there is the potential that I could benefit from asking community businesses for sponsorship in the Silent River Kung Fu Pandemonium. I have decided to continue pushing myself to do this. I'm totally stressing out over it, and I'm not sure how successful I will end up being. But it might be in my interest not to give up.