A few weeks ago, a situation developed which caused me to fear. I guess I had grown complacent over the years, thinking that I was in control of my future and my family's. The situation proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am not. The future as I had imagined it, may entirely not happen, and I was consumed with a fear for my future, the future of my daughters, the mental health and financial security of my family. Over the weeks since I came face to face with this situation, my fear has gone from all consuming, slowly ebbing away for a time, and then stealthily creeping back into my thoughts, bringing with it feelings like guilt at my complacent attitude, regrets, bitterness, flashing rage.
Thank goodness for kung fu. The classes themselves, and the training focus are welcome respites. In tossing a fan, helping with classes, dreaming of great demos, pushing my physical limits, my fears melt away and I find therapeutic spaces of pure relaxation and peace.
Thank goodness also for kung fu, for providing the framework through which enduring, honest and supporting friendships can thrive. I have leaned heavily on Sihing Lilienskold these past weeks.
And thank goodness for kung fu, for bringing into clear focus, the essential need of every person to surround themselves with people that mentor, support, and expect more of eachother. Jill's coach and life mentor at the badminton club, Mrs. Folinsbee, is one person I sought out today because I was struggling with the fears. Mrs. F has accepted Jesus as her Savior, and she wears her faith on her sleeve. At 60 odd years old, she's had her fair share of trials and tribulations. "Sometimes," she said, "Its like I'm running up a corkscrew around a mountain. On each turn, it feels I'm no closer to the top. And at each turn I say, 'Here we go again'. But you know, each turn makes you stronger. If you can relinquish that fear, because God is in control of the plan, and He gave you the strengths that you have and you must focus on those. And things will work out in the end. Maybe not how you imagined. But they will work out because thats how they were meant to work out". I hung on her every word. And as she turned to help out a gentleman whose shoes had come apart, I took my leave of her, went to a nearby park and picked up a book about Lance Armstrong that a fellow kung fu student, Mr. B. Young, had reccommended. I had read something about relinquishing that fear in this book the previous evening and I wanted to find it and reread it. Lance Armstrong is a cyclist, and his book is about his struggles with cancer early on in his cycling career. I'll just quote without comment. The book is called ' It's Not About the Bike; My Journey Back to Life', by Lance Armstrong, published in 2000.
"What is stronger, fear or hope? It's an interesting question, and perhaps even an important one. Initially, I was very fearful and without much hope, but as I sat there and absorbed the full extent of my illness, I refused to let the fear completely blot out my optimism. Something told me that fear should never fully rule the heart, and I decided not t be afraid. . . . I asked myslef what I believed. I had never prayed a lot. I hoped hard, I wished hard, but I didn't pray. I had developed a certain distrust of organized religion growing up, but I felt I had the capacity to be a spiritual person, and to hold some fervent beliefs. Quite simply, I believed I had a responsibility to be a good person, and that meant fair, honest, hardworking, and honorable. If I did that, if I was good to my family, true to my friends, if I gave back to my community or to some cause, if I wasn't a liar, a cheat, or a theif, then I believed that should be enough. At the end of the day, if there was indeed some Body or presence standing there to judge me, I hoped I would be judged on whether I had lived a true life, not on whether I believed in a certain book, or whether I'd been baptized. If there was indeed a God at the end of my days, I hoped he didn't say, "But you were never a Christian, so you're going the other way from heaven." If so, I was going to reply, "You know what? You're right. Fine." . . . Beyond that, I had no idea where to draw the line between spiritual belief and science. But I knew this much: I believed in belief, for its own shining sake. . . Without belief, we would be left with nothing but an overwhelming doom, every single day. And it will beat you. I didn't fully see, until the cancer, how we fight every day against the creeping negatives of the world, how we struggle daily against the slow lapping of cynicism. Dispiritedness and disappointment, these were the real perils of life, not some sudden illness or cataclysmic millennium doomsday. I knew now why people fear cancer: because it is a slow and inevitable death, it is the very definition of cynicism and loss of spirit. So, I believed."
Friday, July 24, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Today the weather is rainy, windy and dreary. I could easily give in to the temptation to sit and stare. Instead, I turned the radio dial to CKUA, which was playing one of my favorite programs; John Worthington's 'Old Disc, Jockey'. 'Stormy Weather' happened to be playing at the time. I located some fairly colorful scrap paper, and made a plan. Fold one peace crane, do 50 pushups. So, to the tunes of Count Basie and His Orchestra, Benny Goodman and Duke Ellington, I managed to fold seven cranes, fire off 300 push ups, and dance a Lao Gar to 'How High the Moon'. Now the program playing is 'Voices in Jazz', which I don't much like, so I have decided to turn my attention to my journal, training goals, and the laundry.
Last week's training went fairly well. I had hoped to do 260 pushups daily, for a total of 1,820. I improved on last weeks totals, but still fell short at 1,545 pushups. It seems that my body wants a rest from the daily pushups, which it decided to take on Saturday. Keeping this in mind, I have decided to aim for 300 push ups daily this week, and as mentioned above, I have started the week off well. I am not terribly pleased with the number of kicks this week. A sprained or broken middle toe, and some temporary issues with my left hip really dragged my numbers down. However the toe seems to be mending, and a visit to physiotherapy on Monday is scheduled, so next week should be better. In spite of the set backs, Sihing Lilienskold and I managed to get some excellent help from Sifu Brinker after he observed our spinning back, round house and side heel kicks at the bags. So there was still progress in this area. Forms practice went quite well too. I was not able to do Lao Gar until the end of the week, due to that middle toe problem. However, I did LOTS of cane (point, strikes and blocks; left and right on all). I am looking forward to next week, as arrangements are coming together amongst I Ho Chuan members to form a team form demo in either Kempo, or Lao Gar. I find that being involved in the demo team and I ho chuan has really motivated me to practice forms at home and in open training, as well as other spare moments during the week. Attending the color belt classes this week has also helped me to focus on and practice combinations and techniques.
I am finding that these last couple of weeks have turned into a steep uphill climb for me. My goals are high; being aware of this, there are feelings of doubt: will I achieve my goals? Will it be enough? I feel resigned to the fact that i can only ask myself to not give up; to place one step in front of the other, and see where I end up. There is one annoying question in the Zen and Art of Motorcycle novel study sheet: "How is Kung Fu like climbing a mountain?" Annoying, because it seems like such a cliche question, that begs a cart load of cliche answers. But as i look back at the beginning of this paragraph, my answer feels not so much cliche, but very real. Well past the tree-line now, the incline is steeper, the ground seems harder. It is hard to judge the distance to the summit; one is left with the feeling that it is probably further than one thinks. The struggle now becomes one of keeping the desire to succeed intact; and to keep placing one foot in front of the other.
Last week's training went fairly well. I had hoped to do 260 pushups daily, for a total of 1,820. I improved on last weeks totals, but still fell short at 1,545 pushups. It seems that my body wants a rest from the daily pushups, which it decided to take on Saturday. Keeping this in mind, I have decided to aim for 300 push ups daily this week, and as mentioned above, I have started the week off well. I am not terribly pleased with the number of kicks this week. A sprained or broken middle toe, and some temporary issues with my left hip really dragged my numbers down. However the toe seems to be mending, and a visit to physiotherapy on Monday is scheduled, so next week should be better. In spite of the set backs, Sihing Lilienskold and I managed to get some excellent help from Sifu Brinker after he observed our spinning back, round house and side heel kicks at the bags. So there was still progress in this area. Forms practice went quite well too. I was not able to do Lao Gar until the end of the week, due to that middle toe problem. However, I did LOTS of cane (point, strikes and blocks; left and right on all). I am looking forward to next week, as arrangements are coming together amongst I Ho Chuan members to form a team form demo in either Kempo, or Lao Gar. I find that being involved in the demo team and I ho chuan has really motivated me to practice forms at home and in open training, as well as other spare moments during the week. Attending the color belt classes this week has also helped me to focus on and practice combinations and techniques.
I am finding that these last couple of weeks have turned into a steep uphill climb for me. My goals are high; being aware of this, there are feelings of doubt: will I achieve my goals? Will it be enough? I feel resigned to the fact that i can only ask myself to not give up; to place one step in front of the other, and see where I end up. There is one annoying question in the Zen and Art of Motorcycle novel study sheet: "How is Kung Fu like climbing a mountain?" Annoying, because it seems like such a cliche question, that begs a cart load of cliche answers. But as i look back at the beginning of this paragraph, my answer feels not so much cliche, but very real. Well past the tree-line now, the incline is steeper, the ground seems harder. It is hard to judge the distance to the summit; one is left with the feeling that it is probably further than one thinks. The struggle now becomes one of keeping the desire to succeed intact; and to keep placing one foot in front of the other.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Flying vs. Falling
This week was a tough week. Full of upheaval that knocked the wind out of my sails. Looking at my figures though, I didn't end up too far off track. I did 1420 pushups, vs. my new goal of 1820 per week. This was my first week of this revised goal of 260 pushups per day, and I managed to accomplish that for 5 out of the seven days. Next week I will meet the target.
I'm pleased with a few other things about this last week.
The Wednesday night white belt class was an excellent review of combinations, and I plan to follow this up with home practice this week. Theory was also reviewed, and I feel confident in this area now. Additionally, at open training on Saturday, Mr. Crawford had a number of technique questions, and I was pleased to be able to give him some quality answers with confidence.
On Tuesday night, Sifu Playter held the first Lion Dance/Demo practice. Mr. Tymchuck and I had his full attention, as no one else showed up. I worked on my Lao Gar, and recieved some in-depth feedback. This was followed up by a mini-demo practice after Lion Dance practice on Friday. Again, Sifu Playter reviewed my Lao Gar, noted the improvements, and gave me some further advice. So, some excellent coaching time on forms was had this week. It turns out that sihing wonsiak hopes to do some lao gar demos as well this summer, and her lao gar looks very nice. This gives me an opportunity to offer up an alternate routine to practice for demos and recieve the same quality coaching for these also.
I'm pleased with a few other things about this last week.
The Wednesday night white belt class was an excellent review of combinations, and I plan to follow this up with home practice this week. Theory was also reviewed, and I feel confident in this area now. Additionally, at open training on Saturday, Mr. Crawford had a number of technique questions, and I was pleased to be able to give him some quality answers with confidence.
On Tuesday night, Sifu Playter held the first Lion Dance/Demo practice. Mr. Tymchuck and I had his full attention, as no one else showed up. I worked on my Lao Gar, and recieved some in-depth feedback. This was followed up by a mini-demo practice after Lion Dance practice on Friday. Again, Sifu Playter reviewed my Lao Gar, noted the improvements, and gave me some further advice. So, some excellent coaching time on forms was had this week. It turns out that sihing wonsiak hopes to do some lao gar demos as well this summer, and her lao gar looks very nice. This gives me an opportunity to offer up an alternate routine to practice for demos and recieve the same quality coaching for these also.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Its a Hard Day's Night
With seven weeks left before the deadline for some of my personal requirements, its time to look at my numbers and build a plan into my home training that will allow me to reach my goals. I guess it a final push for the following items.
Pushups: The curriculum requirement is 26000 March 1 to September 1; I'm at 20,503, which is ahead of schedule, so no worries. However, my personal black belt requirement is to do 41,000 from December 1, 2008 to September 1, 2009. I'm at 27,530. I figured out that I would have to do 260 pushups per day instead of 150. After doing the 1000 push up challenge several times, and finding that 300 or more pushups a day is not all that much of a hardship, I'm thinking that 7 weeks of 260 pushups per day is attainable. So I'm going to go for it starting tommorrow.
Situps: My personal black belt requirement is to do 27,400 situps by September 1. I'm at 15,111. This means that I need to do 126 situps per day, to reach my goal. This is not a problem as recently I read somewhere that a lady (either a famous fitness trainer, or olympic cyclist, or something like that) does between 200 and 300 situps per day, so I decided to give that a try, and found it quite easy. So I think I will exceed this goal.
Kicks: This started out as round house kicks only, then I experienced some joint pain and found out I had the osteoarthritis and that I was actually injuring myself when I had pain so I had to lay off the kicks for a while. As I got back into the kicks, I limited myself to the ones that don't hurt, like cross-step kicks, hidden leg, thrust from horse, crescent, etc. Round house was a problem, and even more so the flying kicks. So I decided to change this goal to Kicks in general. I never ran this by Sifu Brinker, so I hope this is ok. I need to do 27400 kicks by September 1. In order to do that, I need to do 288 kicks per day. Thanx to the Kichko Kick Challenge, which causes me to do 300 kicks per day, this is also an attainable goal. I need to be cautious though, with the wear and tear on my joints, but more about that later.
Forms: This also started out as Lao Gar only. And I've done alot of Lao Gar. But I also changed this one up, after realizing that I needed time and energy for other forms, like cane, kempo, etc. And I was getting darn sick of Lao Gar for a while there. So, again, I never ran this one by Sifu Brinker, but I'm sure its fine with him???? So I need to do 1000 form repetitions by September 1. I've done 476 of mostly Lao Gar, followed by Cane, and then a bit of 18 temple one week due to follow up on a sihing class. In order to reach my goal, I need to do 13 forms per day. This will be a challenge, but I'm going to go for it.
Overall, this month, and particularly the week since boot camp has been defining for me. The pressure that the increasing levels of training, commitments and focus is putting on my day to day activities have caused me to really question whether I want to continue preparing for a black belt test over the next 2 to 3 months. Truth be told, I am not at all sure whether I have come to a decision on this. I feel as if there might be a straw that will break the camel's back; it could be anything over the next few weeks - not being able to get over the joint pain after each training day, the house might sell, the economy and accompanying job insecurity, fatigue from the long days and organizing the lives of 3 other family members, or a bolt of lightning might come and strike me down. For the moment, I have decided to continue on, and tackle what issues I can. I found a book in Chapters, very recently published, that points to some diet changes I could make (my sweet tooth and the resulting sugar, carbohydrates intake might actually be triggering a heightened inflamation response to joint pain, and certain fatty acids and fish, and yellow fruits and vegetables are found to actually help stop, or reverse the degeneration of the joints). I've purchased the book, to read this week. Additionally, Bert has decided to take his holidays this month for the entire month. I've loaded the driving the kids responsibilities squarely onto his shoulders. This is such a relief and will shorten my day, so less fatigue. But the possibility of that bolt of lightning still enters my mind from time to time.
Pushups: The curriculum requirement is 26000 March 1 to September 1; I'm at 20,503, which is ahead of schedule, so no worries. However, my personal black belt requirement is to do 41,000 from December 1, 2008 to September 1, 2009. I'm at 27,530. I figured out that I would have to do 260 pushups per day instead of 150. After doing the 1000 push up challenge several times, and finding that 300 or more pushups a day is not all that much of a hardship, I'm thinking that 7 weeks of 260 pushups per day is attainable. So I'm going to go for it starting tommorrow.
Situps: My personal black belt requirement is to do 27,400 situps by September 1. I'm at 15,111. This means that I need to do 126 situps per day, to reach my goal. This is not a problem as recently I read somewhere that a lady (either a famous fitness trainer, or olympic cyclist, or something like that) does between 200 and 300 situps per day, so I decided to give that a try, and found it quite easy. So I think I will exceed this goal.
Kicks: This started out as round house kicks only, then I experienced some joint pain and found out I had the osteoarthritis and that I was actually injuring myself when I had pain so I had to lay off the kicks for a while. As I got back into the kicks, I limited myself to the ones that don't hurt, like cross-step kicks, hidden leg, thrust from horse, crescent, etc. Round house was a problem, and even more so the flying kicks. So I decided to change this goal to Kicks in general. I never ran this by Sifu Brinker, so I hope this is ok. I need to do 27400 kicks by September 1. In order to do that, I need to do 288 kicks per day. Thanx to the Kichko Kick Challenge, which causes me to do 300 kicks per day, this is also an attainable goal. I need to be cautious though, with the wear and tear on my joints, but more about that later.
Forms: This also started out as Lao Gar only. And I've done alot of Lao Gar. But I also changed this one up, after realizing that I needed time and energy for other forms, like cane, kempo, etc. And I was getting darn sick of Lao Gar for a while there. So, again, I never ran this one by Sifu Brinker, but I'm sure its fine with him???? So I need to do 1000 form repetitions by September 1. I've done 476 of mostly Lao Gar, followed by Cane, and then a bit of 18 temple one week due to follow up on a sihing class. In order to reach my goal, I need to do 13 forms per day. This will be a challenge, but I'm going to go for it.
Overall, this month, and particularly the week since boot camp has been defining for me. The pressure that the increasing levels of training, commitments and focus is putting on my day to day activities have caused me to really question whether I want to continue preparing for a black belt test over the next 2 to 3 months. Truth be told, I am not at all sure whether I have come to a decision on this. I feel as if there might be a straw that will break the camel's back; it could be anything over the next few weeks - not being able to get over the joint pain after each training day, the house might sell, the economy and accompanying job insecurity, fatigue from the long days and organizing the lives of 3 other family members, or a bolt of lightning might come and strike me down. For the moment, I have decided to continue on, and tackle what issues I can. I found a book in Chapters, very recently published, that points to some diet changes I could make (my sweet tooth and the resulting sugar, carbohydrates intake might actually be triggering a heightened inflamation response to joint pain, and certain fatty acids and fish, and yellow fruits and vegetables are found to actually help stop, or reverse the degeneration of the joints). I've purchased the book, to read this week. Additionally, Bert has decided to take his holidays this month for the entire month. I've loaded the driving the kids responsibilities squarely onto his shoulders. This is such a relief and will shorten my day, so less fatigue. But the possibility of that bolt of lightning still enters my mind from time to time.
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