When I'm 64

On Friday night Sihing Kichko got us sihings to share with eachother, our inner struggles in relation to the approaching black belt test. For myself, it was not surprising to find out that we each experienced variations of fear, terror, self-doubt, lack of confidence, and guilt. The act of sharing these emotions provided a source of strength for me in that our group took another giant step towards gaining support and strength from eachother.

Afterwards, at the boot camp, a topic that I was hesitant to broach on Friday, was discussed by a number of the sihings. It was a topic that I've been keeping close to my chest for a long time, perhaps because it is at the very core of my struggles with my feelings of guilt. I was relieved to find out on Saturday that it was a valid, and common struggle for at least a few others.

It is true when Sifu Brinker says that this is a journey of enormous personal growth. Looking back at my journey thus far, and looking forward to my developing goals, aspirations, values and committments, and strengths, I can only sum it all up by saying that an entire universe has unfolded. I am truly pumped about where I want to go from here. On the other hand, this journey has also exacerbated a drifting apart between myself and my husband. I constantly hope and pray, that this is only a tempory state, initiated by our intense focus on our children, and the lack of energy and time we have left over at the end of each day for eachother.

What I have known for a long time is that there are many of us experiencing the same struggle. In the last couple of years, with the children becoming less dependent on their mothers, the females I have talked to describe a re-booting of our own personal aspirations. Things that were put on hold, such as kung fu, travel, fun, change, personal growth, contributing to community, can now be re-visited. And as we enter into these things, it is accompanied by a surge in excitement, and energy.

Our husbands, on the other hand, are responding to this return to normalcy, by coming home at work at the end of the day exhausted and deflated. All they want to do is sit; that's what they didn't have time for in the past, and now that's what they want to do. So, rather than a coming back together, there is a further drift apart. And our attempts to re-engage our spouses by suggesting together activities, exercise, experiences, fun and change, are met with stubborn refusal or disinterest. So when we go off to our classes, boot camps, seminars and training, there is that sense of guilt that the time and energy put into our personal growth is misplaced: wouldn't it be more appropriate to put that energy into the growth of relationships?

As I look around myself at the people who share the above struggles, I see more failed relationships than I care to think about. And I wonder if its less that I dare to be different, or that I feel too weak to continue on the path that is separating us. I was greatly heartened by a journal post by Sifu Linda Shipalesky a number of month's back, in which she mentioned a coming together in her relationship. How can my husband and I achieve the same thing? Perhaps a UBBT requirement should be involved. I believe that the coming back together is the more fulfilling path, not because of an arbitrary rule or vow, but because looking back, I have seen what, in this particular scenario, we as partners have achieved together, and looking forward, I have witnessed the enormous personal toll on the invidual and and rest of the family that the coming apart has taken.

So there is the crux of my guilt struggle. As Sihing Lilienskold and I tried out the various BJJ techniques at the boot camp, we both ruminated on the wonderful moments of fun, laughs, new interests we were sharing, and regretted that these moments were not being added to a bank of experiences in our spousal relationships. Instead, a bank of unshared experiences is accumulating, and before long, the scales will tip irreversibly.

Sifu Laurie's book launch on Saturday night attracted more people than could fit into the studio. It was standing room only for many attendees, including the latecomers, such as myself, who had to stand outside the studio for the presentation. I dragged my daughters to the event, as I recognized a wonderful opportunity for them to gain a clearer picture of the world of the writer and writing. I feel that the reason that we do not pursue our passions in our careers is because of a lack of knowledge of what is involved, a lack of exposure to others who have gone ahead, and a lack of reference to how one's personal strengths and aspirations measure up to what is out there. I wasn't expecting my daughters to come away from the event deciding to be writers, but I was hoping they would come away saying, 'Yes, it is entirely possible that I could do this too.' Mission was accomplished somewhat; Jill came away pumped and inspired. Janet came away with a wonderful anecdote, involving a sifu's struggle with a giant chocolate covered strawberry, that was stuck to it's doilie, and was difficult to consume in a delicate manner.

The wonderful thing about Silent River Kung Fu is the diversity of its members, and thus, the diversity of opportunities that can offered to eachother to enhance our personal growth and that of our families. Frances Moore Lamme, author of Diet for A Small Planet, and renowned world food activist made the following observation. As adults, who desire to grow as persons, to give back to the community, or bring about change in something that they are passionate about, we have no place to go to learn how to effectively succeed in these types of aspirations. There is no university course that teaches one how to mobilize a community to bring about change for the betterment of society, the environment, the world. Lamme does, however, point to something very crucial; and that is the community groups of like-minded individuals. These groups provide a 'safe environment' of mutual support and trust in eachother's journeys, passions and endeavors. I believe that Silent River Kung Fu is one such group.

Sometimes I think it is important to focus our attention on the people who exist 'at the fringes' of Silent River Kung Fu. Sifu Laurie has been away for extended periods of time, and in her classes, interfaces with a smaller group of students. Yet she has brought so much growth to my daughters through her activities in Malawi and writing, and solid support to myself through her knowledge and strategies for physical fitness challenges. Sifu McKinnley also, is one to pay alot of attention to as she travels accross the country, yet sends us so many thought provoking insights, and spiritual challenges. Sihing Bachand may not realize it just yet, but she too will have plenty to inspire us with her present journey. The difficulty for me at this point in the paragraph is finding a way to end it, because the more I think, the more I see examples like the three I just mentioned. Everyone one of us has so much to offer eachother, we just need to pay attention.

On a somewhat related note, I am reading a book which is a collection of essays. Here are some words that I thought were worth writing down.

'Life is a journey that you walk with other people'. Wangari Maathai

'Get in touch with your passion. Passion is always a driving force in any success.' Russell Simmons.

'Any religious belief or teaching that is not based on humility and compassion should be looked at very skeptically and warily.' Moby

I have not been entirely satisfied with some aspects of my progress towards Black Belt testing lately. This has caused me a bit of worry, but mostly frustration with myself for not getting myself to the place I want to be. This last week has given me reason to feel a little more optimistic.

1. Physical conditioning: After reviewing the Fighter's Body late in May, I decided to use June to get my home training to a good starting point for a 3-month program suggested in the book. It wasn't until last week, that I felt that I was making progress.

I managed to do Power, Strength, and Agility training each day. This consisted of daily, 150 pushups, 125-300 situps and crunches, 20 combination kicks or front thrust-sideheel-back kick, 100 crescent kicks, 50 cross step kicks, 50 front thrust kicks from horse stance, and 50 hidden leg techniques. The kicks met sihing kicko's 99 day challenge of 15 minutes of kicking each day. Additionally, for agility, I managed to practice some jumping for lion dance agility, and some stretching. I believe that this is a good program because it works on core, arms and legs.

I also finally worked in a cardio training alternative to running, which follows a 7 week program of cycle fitness training. I did a 45 minute spin class at Servus Place which counts as a 'quick spin' component for sprint or speed training, and a 'long push' component for endurance and power on hills. I also did a 45 minute session of outside riding following the guidelines for the 'stamina booster' session. On Sunday, I will be going for a one hour 'long leisurely ride' which is supposed to keep my heart rate at a certain level for a certain period of time. So that's 3 days of cycling as reccomended for week one of the program which, after 7 weeks will get me to the next level towards my goal of entering into a charity ride this fall. I am happy with this program because it sets mini goals which keep me motivated to increase the cardio consistently over the long term and it helps me peak at just about the right time.

2. Forms: My daily forms practice (18 Temple Motions to follow up on sihing class, and Cane for I Ho Chuan class), increased, though I need to pick this up a little more by increasing the number of daily repetitions. And I somehow managed to entirely ignore Lao Gar which is not good for my Personal Black Belt requirement of 1000 repetitions of this form.

3. Techniques: Despite some very creative ideas on my part, I just have not been able to attack this portion of my home training with much success. Sifu Brinker must have read my mind this week, because he addressed this issue in sihing class on Friday, and I'm convinced that he looked pointedly at me when he was hammering a few points home to the group of us. The main point was that in order to know the curriculum we have to teach it. Now that summer is here, and the girls' weekly evening committments have changed, I will have some opportunities to get to the training hall for the classes on Monday, and/or Wednesday. This week I'll be there on Monday.

4. Meanness: As a group of sihings, we've been told we are not mean enough, and I know this is probably true of me. I was going to ask for some suggestions on how to work on this in class on Friday, but once again, Sifu Brinker must have read my mind and I didn't have to ask; the class was dedicated to it as we partnered up and punched and elbowed eachother in the ribs. It was a good session of practicing being mean, and it gave me some direction on how to practice this aspect at home.

5. Leadership: I had been stalled on the leadership seminar assignment of researching my project in preparation for a presentation. Last week I managed to find a chunk of uninterrupted time to plunk myself in front a computer for over 2 hours, and research my topic. I just hope I haven't lost my notes, which I have totally lost track of. With that thought, I will end my journal post here, and go look for them.

Sometimes journalling becomes a responsibility. I'm not referring to this kind of journalling, which has its own set of values in one's life. I am referring to the type of journalling that is kept in a small (pocket-size), sturdy little notebook, is written in note form and is kept close at hand for quick retreival so that one can capture the thought, the lesson, the solution, the record, the plan or the inspiration before it is lost.

I have a little red book that I don't leave home without. It comes out throughout the day as I track my training ( number of completed pushups, kicks, situps, forms), find some useful information in the newspaper or in the book I am reading, hear a great tune on the radio, add items onto my 'to do' list, note an important item to pick up at the grocery store, and jot down notes after a sihing or I Ho Chuan class. These type of notes help me stay on track, assess my progress, and accomplish day to day, week to week and longer term goals and tasks efficiently. Combined with my little daytimer, in which I keep track of appointments, tournaments, classes, no-school days and other social events, utilizing the little red book becomes a very useful life-skill.

Recently, I have noticed the need to use the red book in order to fulfill my responsibilties to the people that support me at Kung Fu. The lion dance team is made up of Sifu's Brinker, Playter, Playter, Frietag, LaRoque, and Wilson. And my co-team members are Mr. Tymchuck and Mr. Emery. These people support me and have entrusted me with representing Silent River at a number of Lion Dance functions this summer. They have also invested a considerable amount of their personal time to teach and attend extra practices. In order to hold up my end (or the head), I feel that I must learn everything they take the trouble to teach me, within a reasonable amount of time and perfect the moves to an acceptable standard in time for the performances. I don't want to forget anything they mention, but there is so much to learn, that I have to take actions that will enable me to remember and internalize the learning. My little red book has helped me with this responsibility. After each lesson or practice I have repeated the key points back to the sifus, and then bee-lined it to my red book to write everything down. Even the act of writing things down helps me internalize the lesson. Before the next practice or performance, I will go through the dance routine in my head and study the notes I made from the last lesson. Only by doing this, do I feel that my progress is at a pace that honors everyone on the lion dance team.